Kind of nervous because everyone seems real stressed out about the wedding and I should be sleeping soon considering I have to go dress shopping tomorrow... but instead, I'm watching yet another Undertale playthrough. (Shrug)
Maybe I'll paint for a little bit and then go to sleep because I'm not that tired but :p I dunno. My mom left so I can continue watching the video. OKAYY BUH BYEEEEE
Je. Sus. CHRIST. Dear computer, you have NO idea how terrfied I am of computers!!! Of YOU!!! IM SO SORRY!!!!!! I just went on the wildest goose chase because I thought I got hacked and installed this weird thingamajig to check my drivers and cried like a bajillion times. I got reminded of the movie Unfriended: Dark Web and started covering up my cameras and checking every security feature possible. After like... an hour.... I decided to Google what the new profiles on my 'puter were... TURNS OUT!! THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE THERE!!! That was the biggest relief I've felt in a long time. I was completely convinced that this one nightmare I had in February was coming true.
Anywayyyyyy.. i'm sorry for the lack of site updates!! T.T I completely forgot about it! I'll learn how to decorate you soon, I promise!!1! SEE YA NEXT TIEM
i really enjoy reading about stranger's feelings. it feels personal but just unattached enough for me to like? idk? not care? like i'm watching a movie :p i might cry or smile or feel my chest ache but it's not real. that's something that's kind of concerned me for a while. nobody else's feelings and thoughts feel important to me, even my friends and family. it's weird because I want my thoughts and feelings to be important to them. but.... reading this again, i don't care enough. isn't that a wee bit fucked up ?! ever since [my hexagon] left me, i've been in a constant state of disattachment and apathy. nothing concerns me because she was the only person who did. and before that, it was [my stone fruit] . and before that, all the way back to when i was 11(!!! (i'm 19 now)) was [my syrup] . i have people who care about me but i do not care about anybody but my favourite person. who has been gone. and i just sit and wait in my not-reality and i will forever and i can't change it even though the realistic part of (me) claws and bites and stretches out the skin of ME !!!!!!! but i have been so permanantly changed and I AM ME!!! IM PUSHING DOWN!!!! THAT StUPID goofy part of me thats trying to stop me from waiting. but i can feel the (me) screaming like bees in every fibre of my flesh and its so annoying and makes me so so so sad why cnat we just live together normally ?
dear computer - i had a horrible HORRIBLE!!! lucid nightmare last night/this morning. it was the type where you wake up over and over again and can't tell what's real and what's not. :( 0/10 donot reccommend ... but whatever ACTUALLY WAIT NOT WHATEVER AT ALL AAAAGHHHHHH i'm so insanely paranoid about everything right now.
i can't even play minecrap which is basically all i enjoy doing recently all because i'm scared of the night and there being something outside of my house like in the dream . i may not sleep tonight for i fear having another nightmare. this has not happened in years!!!! 7_7
i hope this night goes smoothly or else i fear the worst ... psychosis ! until next time...
